I’ve sat down to write this a couple of times in the last 16 years. I’ve always abandoned it. After all these are words printed cheaply onto a screen or piece of paper. They do no justice to these men. Even this morning as I was running through my head what I would say I wasn’t sure that I was going to write it. Then I found out this morning at 10:11am another brother of mine passed away, as I prepare to attend a memorial service for another of my Soldiers tomorrow. Sixteen years of service to this Nation, I have had the opportunity to meet some of the best men and women we have to offer. I got the privilege of bringing home a warrior this year also on an escort mission. Walking with giants. In these losses, I have gained some perspective on things. I’d like to share that perspective with you.
It is never easy. The first one or the fifteenth it still cuts through you like a hot knife through a stick of butter. One of the most powerful things about service in the military is that afterwards you often have a network that spans the country. Need something in California, Maryland, or Arizona…. Odds are there is someone you served with that you can call. I take solace in knowing that somewhere there is an assembly area full of my brothers waiting as one by one we come home. Still I feel like there is this hole inside of me, left in the wake of these heroes leaving. Imagine living your life in the company of heroes only to watch them leave. I wonder why them and not me, or sometimes I just want to know why. I feel like I cannot breathe, like I am about to quite literally lose my shit. If you’ve felt or are feeling these things you are not alone. I do not know if it is normal, but I know you are not alone.
Instead of falling apart, I commit myself to pushing my hardest to excel in everything I do. In the way that I love, the way that I work, the way that I live. In the beginning I felt that I was trying to fill that hole, but that hole cannot be filled. Instead I live intentionally, I try to make them proud in the way that I conduct myself. When I am out fighting fire pushing to be the best I hope they’re looking down gritting their teeth with me. When I am being a dad, or loving my wife I hope that they look down and feel warmth in their hearts for their wives and children. I hope that I can somehow be worthy of their sacrifice. I know one day I will meet them in the assembly area, and oh the stories we will tell. Then I will know.
So enjoy your Memorial Day, and your every day. Do everything. Smile, laugh, be happy. Jump out of airplanes, tell people you love them, ask her out on the date, tell him you think he’s cute. Embrace a brother, have a beer, grill some food. Live your life. I know in my heart that, that is what my brothers would want you to do. As you do, maybe you’ll glance up in the sky and just have a small thought of those who’ve gone home. Currahee.
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